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Terrified

I am terrified right now. It’s a horrible feeling. There’s something you want to run and hide from, an unseen terror that you don’t even know if it’s coming after you, but it could be it could be coming fast. Or it could be waiting around a corner for just the right moment. You don’t know. No one knows. There really is no way to tell.

I know that I shouldn’t take other peoples MS stories, as “hey this could happen to me”, but it’s hard not to. I met someone tonight that told me his wife’s MS story. She was diagnosed with relapsing remitting 6 years ago. And she was fine. A little bit of spasticity, nothing big. And now she’s straight downhill. He kept referring to her as a vegetable. So yes I am freaking out a little right now. Trying to not think that this thing is coming after me like a freight train….. Especially since it seems to want to attack my eyes. Please give me a chair and leave me my eyes. Alright before I really freak out and start crying, I’m going to bed.

Big Breath. Breath…….

God Damn It!

Alright now I feel a little better. What would we do without blogs to vent on. (alright Rich just asked me “What would we do?” My answer is “Cry. There would be a lot more crying.”)

 
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Posted by on January 6, 2012 in Life with MS

 

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Blogging & Ranting (or are they the same thing?)

I tried to explain what blogging is and why I do it for my mom the other day. I still don’t think that she understands. She doesn’t understand why I would want anyone to know anything about my personal life, let alone putting it out there for the whole world to read. I have a very private family. She almost freaked out when I told her to read my post about my father’s surgery. She has come to the conclusion that all blogging really is is an online diary. Which sounds like it cheapens it a little to me. Also, it really isn’t so much that for me. It is a little like a journal of the trials and tribulations of the crap that I have to go through and also some happy ones on the things that I am enjoying doing. Ok that does sound like a diary, however if it was a diary I could openly complain about the things that are annoying me without any fear of repercussions. Which I can’t. Maybe if I hadn’t attached my real name. Maybe I’ll start another one anonymously. Then I could talk about things like annoying friends, relatives, or anything else that should pop into my mind. But for now, especially since my husband has started playing in politics, I have to keep it neat, G rated and personal contact free.

Also, I’m hoping that somebody somewhere will take something away from the things that I write. Even if it isn’t something that really helps them and just makes it clear that they are not the only ones having these problems. And yes it is therapeutic. Writing makes me feel better.

For instance, if you couldn’t already tell, today I’m a little stressed and pissed off. Not to mention that either the copaxone, or the MS itself has been dragging me into this nasty depression for the last couple of days. I keep trying to will it away, so far that isn’t working. Being trapped in my house right now b/c of a hurricane isn’t helping.

I think that there must actually be something wrong with me. I sit here watching all the news casts on tv and online waiting for something to actually happen. Hoping that something will actually happen. Flooding, tornadoes, down trees. Sick right. I believe there’s a name for it actually, I read it once but now that I’m looking, I can’t find it. At least I’m not the only one.  

Well, now that I have gone off on a complete tangent, and this post was a rant to begin with, I will leave you with this:

While I am hoping that something interesting does happen with this storm, I also hope that everybody heeded the warnings and remains safe through the night. My town is in a flood and tornado warning and I still have hours until the worst part of the storm gets here. = )

 
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Posted by on August 28, 2011 in Life with MS

 

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