With MS there are a lot of possible symptoms. Diagnosis is difficult because some of them are so impossible for people to see. Our invisible symptoms. One of these is commonly referred to as Brain Fog.
Brain Fog is not just Fog.
I feel like I am loosing my mind. The world is spinning around me at 100 miles an hour and I am standing still. Except I feel like i just ran around in circles and I can’t catch my breath.
This is the world that I am living in right now.
Forgetting things, like people’s names and the day of the week are becoming common place. Sometimes I forget where I am, how I got there, and am terrified to move ahead further. And I’m a block from home!
On a bad day I am constantly fearful that I have forgotten something huge. Like my kids at school. Thank goodness I haven’t actually done this yet, but I fear it anyway. Feels like I shouldn’t be left alone sometimes. Unfortunately it is at those times that all I want is to be left alone.
I read a book called “Moo!” once. Horrible book. In it the characters were putting on a play called “Stop the world. I want to get off.”. This is how I feel. I want to push a giant pause button. I want to curl up on my couch with a cup of coffee and stare at my Christmas Tree for an entire day! No responsibilities, no one expecting anything of me, no one judging me. I promise I’ll be better after that day!
However, I don’t want to miss anything. I still want to throw these awesome events in town and at school. My kids and my town mean the world to me. And by “my kids” I don’t mean just the ones that I made. I mean the ones that call me Ms. Janet or Noah’s mom or Tyler’s mom. The ones that think I am just So Cool because I let them dress up like pirates at the book fair. The ones that I ran around in the woods with taking video of for a social studies project. I love these kids.
So when people say to me, Janet you need to slow down, I ignore them. I know that they are right. But I feel a strong obligation to make sure that these kids have an amazing childhood with amazing memories. I want them to see magic in the world!
Yes, I know I sound crazy. But these are my thoughts.
So please, Stop the World!
Just for a day.
Just so I can catch my breath.
Just so that I can keep trying to create magic. 🙂
(This is my Brain Fog.)