It feels like a new day, a new life, a new me. I know that it isn’t. I know that I have fallen off of the wagon with taking care of myself. The worst part is that I totally blamed it on MS. What a crappy excuse. It’s a vicious cycle. You stop taking care of yourself because you feel crappy. Then you feel crappy(er?) because you stopped taking care of yourself. It is high time that that wheel stopped turning.
I am here today to tell you that it isn’t always MS. When I was first diagnosed, a little over 3 years ago, it felt like it could only be MS now. Like somehow I am now immune to all other illnesses and diseases. This is unfortunately not true. We feel like we go through enough already. It really isn’t fair to have to deal with anything else. I know, that’s how I feel.
But, it turns out that old haunts have popped up for a visit.
When I was 7 years old I contracted a virus in my right eye. It is ridiculously painful. It makes my eyeball feel like it is on fire and even the slightest light feels like daggers to my eye. It is a virus that I almost lost my sight because of. When it finally stopped, thanks to medicine, I found out that it lays dormant but never really goes away.
In the year 2000 it came back. For a much longer period of time this time. I didn’t manage to push it back into it’s little hole of dormancy until a year later. They say that they don’t know what makes it active again, but much like MS it could possibly be stress related. I love stress. At that time I also found out that I have a scar in the center of my eye that was making my vision not so great. They gave me hard contacts to try to over ride the scar so that I would have better vision. My vision did definitely get better, but the pain from the lense was more that I was willing to put up with. So I just lived with my less than perfect vision.
Well guess what guys, family isn’t the only thing coming to visit this holiday season.
It’s back. I finally got myself to the doctor a couple of days ago.
(side note: I avoid doctors like the plague. Especially eye doctors)
Guess what his diagnosis was… It’s back. Shocker! I knew that. It became blaringly obvious when in a dark restaurant on Christmas Eve I felt like I needed sunglasses just to look across the table. It seriously makes me feel like a freak. Like I needed any help in that department.
Eye drops have been prescribed and are being taken. The really bad news was the scar. I knew that it was bad. My vision definitely seems to have gotten worse. I asked the doc after he put the special dye in and looked at it how it was. He said that it now encompasses my entire eye. He actually used the word “encompasses”. That word has never sounded so scary. I asked if there was anything that I could do to improve my vision. I would even be willing to try the lense again. Not surprisingly he said that there was nothing that could be done about the scar. This seems to be the response that I always get. So I am going to have to have a consult with a specialist about it. There is one in Philly that I have been to before. (actually that was an MS thing.) However, I literally cant read the big E. It is becoming unacceptable. Until he got to the largest screen I couldn’t even tell that there were letters on the board. Oh and you can’t cheat anymore. The large letters are an O and D. Is that always what it was? I told him it looked like two fuzzy circles. Is there another one with an E? Did he just give up on my at that point? I don’t know.
So I am on drops for a week. Then it should go back into it’s dark little (or huge now) hole in my eye. (it’s not really a hole. It’s just a ridiculously huge scar) (Hey I could just start going as myself for Halloween.) SO in a week the pain should be gone. Then I will start making appointments with specialists and see if anything can be done about my vision.