13 May

Alright so I feel like it’s been a while since I have reviewed how I’ve been feeling. Actually it’s been a while since I have reviewed my schedule or list of things (all things) too. I can’t seem to keep things straight recently. Including myself.

When you have vertigo and you go to the doctors they ask you to describe it. Previously I had no idea how to do that. They would prompt with well are you spinning to the left or to the right? Or is it like a pushing or pulling. For me that was so many questions in one question that I just wanted to sit down and have everybody shut up. Now I felt like not only was my brain trying to sabotage me but also the doctors asking the questions. I mean don’t they understand that I have a hard enough time concentrating on just one question. The idea of having to explain what vertigo was was enough. Now I have to figure out directions and if it feels like someone is moving me? Crap!

So since things have been pretty crappy for me recently I have put a lot of thought into that question(s). Some days I am spinning the right. Actually most days. Today though the vertigo is as bad as it was back when I was diagnosed and I am spinning to the left. So much so that I have a constant feeling that I am leaning that way. I probably am actually, but it’s just me here so there is no one to confirm. And if I try to figure it out in a mirror I will probably fall down.

At the same time that I am furiously spinning to the left I am also being pushed and pulled at the same time. It’s a forward and backwards motion that feels nothing like rocking. It’s like being on a carnie ride that is trying to through off your equilibrium. Add to that the shaking of my hands and I will tell you it is not easy to type this blog.

But today I needed my form of therapy. I needed to be able to write this down without someone telling me that they have had that problem before. I love when people try to make is sound like your problems are common. Which I guess is fine, they are just trying to make you feel better. And really no one ever knows what to say, so what comes out of their mouths is usually stupid. I have found myself in that position recently. I tried to stay quiet and not say anything, because I knew that what I said would be stupid. But then they look at you expectantly. Like they can’t go on without your stupid comment. I wonder if we bring these things upon ourselves. Do the stupid comments actually make us feel better? Do we need them? I don’t know maybe it is just their/our way of making sure that someone is listening to us. Well you are reading. So I have a captive audience.

Ok writing is getting harder so I’m going to try to sum this up.

I have been feeling like crap. Ridiculously tired all of the time. I have found that there is little that I actually care about when I’m tired. Matched with my filter issues it’s not a good time to be the wife of the Deputy Mayor. EEKKK! The brain fogginess crap is ridiculous. I have no idea what is going on half the time. And when I do I don’t have any idea of what I just did. If in the process I have hurt anybody’s feelings I apologize. But honestly it has been kind of a miracle that I have been taking care of the kids. Let alone that I managed to through a party this weekend.

Afterwards though I have to say did not go splendidly. Towards the end of the party I started to get the same reaction from people that I did 3 years ago. They wouldn’t let me stand up. They started doing dishes and getting me drinks and crap. Like I was incapable. (I was incapable) But I was the host damn it! Then the next day I got a lot of, how are you feeling today? Don’t feel bad, anyone would have been tired with the amount of work that you did. Well you know what, if you were making that comment, if you noticed the amount of work that I did, then I did something wrong. It should be seamless. I shouldn’t look so tired. (Maybe I should start wearing make-up *grimace*)

Alright the shaking is getting out of control. Hope everyone is doing well. I hope to write again soon.

Oh, one more thing. My words have been coming out funny. I’m thinking a word, but when it comes out the letters are all in the wrong place. Sometimes it’s the whole sentence, or the wrong word comes out even though I am thinking the right word. Alright I’m done. Even though I am having these crazy things going on right now I feel wired. Maybe that’s why I’m shaking?

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Posted by on May 13, 2013 in Life with MS


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