I am about 2 and a half years since my diagnosis now. Oh my gosh, maybe it’s 3 and a half. I am now trying to back track in my mind when it was. I remember it like it just happened, or was still happening, so to think that there have been YEARS in between is strange. I find myself wishing that I could go back to that summer and change something that I did. Something that would make this not be the way that I have to live the rest of my life. I know that I am sounding self-defeated right now. I just recently came to an understanding that I never wanted to have. It was while I was doing a work out the other day.
I was doing the Insanity work out, back to week 2. And I will point out that it is a couple of days before my next infusion. I don’t know if I have ever struggled that much in a work out. Yes it was Pure Cardio and everyone struggles during Pure Cardio, but I barely made it through the warm up. Then I spent a significant amount of the rest of it just watching. I kept trying to start back up again and the world would start spinning, my left knee would feel like it is going to collapse the wrong way, and my feet felt like someone strapped led weights to them. Watching these people jumping around like crazy I found that I was jealous. I wanted to be jumping around too. I wanted to be tired because I was working hard. Instead I was tired just because I moved a little. Tired doesn’t even cover it. It felt like my body was just going to shut down. Like I had absolutely no control.
Shockingly I have not done Insanity since. Am I just pushing too hard? Probably. My biggest thing is that I hate when people tell me that I can’t do something. It just makes me want to do it even more. I know that that is childish. Now my body is trying to tell me that I can’t handle a simple work out any more. What?!?! That is unacceptable.
The past couple of days have been rough for me.
What I really wanted to talk about is the effect that that has on friendships. This is new for me. I haven’t had any close friends since my diagnosis. Not that I lost any because of it, just that I didn’t have any. And I mean a close friend. I had ones that were far away. Ones that didn’t have to go through this with me. My new friend and I talk just about every day and do most things together. I honestly find myself wondering what I would do without her some times.
But when I am not feeling good I want the rest of the world to forget that I exist. I want to forget that they exist. I want to forget that I exist. And I still find myself pretending to feel fine so that no one has to deal with me. I want to be healthy and happy all the time. I know that my family and my close friends understand when I am not feeling good and give me slack. I just don’t want it. Or I don’t want to need it is probably a better way of stating it. It may actually be starting to frustrate my friend that this is now happening once a month. I know that it is frustrating me and my husband is close to his wits end. So I guess this is just the collateral damage from knowing me. I should have a warning sign.
“Dangerous friend, sometimes irrationally cranky and tired.”
So now I understand that this is going to affect my friends too. They may jump ship. I am now high maintenance. There isn’t actually anything that anyone ever has to do for me. Just put up with me on the occasion that I am not my happy bubbly self. Not sure bubbly is the right word. I’m actually pretty cynical. But fun, definitely fun! So hang around people! I’ll bounce back. Once a month. : (