18 Feb

I have been mostly attack free for about 2 months now. I knew that I was better but still kinda felt crappy. I never even realized that I was still feeling like this. Like I was waiting for the other shoe to drop or something. Then it was time for my 6 month check-up appointment, which I had to put off for 2 months due to insurance issues.

So yesterday was my appointment.

I wasn’t looking forward to it or not looking forward to it. It was just another thing on my list of things to do.

And then I got to the office. I got out of the car and started walking across the parking lot to the door and for some reason it felt like I could breathe again. Like I had just gotten the great news that I had been waiting for. I guess it’s because I was somewhere that I hadn’t been since my eyesight was still a mess. For some reason it was a shock to me that I could see so clearly. That I could walk in a straight line. That I wasn’t terrified about making it to the door and up the stairs. I hadn’t even realized how much of a problem it had been previously to just walk into her office. I was so excited about this realization that I was all better that I didn’t even mind my 40 minute wait even though I was 10 minutes early for my appointment. When I was finally in my appointment I could not stop smiling. I passes all of her muscle tests with flying colors. She seemed happy with how well I was doing with my shots. We both agreed that I needed to give therapy another shot. (I’m finding, and not surprisingly, that most people do not appreciate my slightly morbid humor about my possible future. Although it is much easier for me and my sanity if I can talk and joke about it. So now I just need to find a shrink that will just sit there and listen to me instead of trying to fix me. I don’t need fixing. That’s what everyone else is trying to do. I just need someone to sit there and quietly listen to my insanity. 🙂 Is that really too much to ask?) We even talked about the ridiculous new oral drugs that were being offered. I told her that I didn’t want to switch drugs. I still love mine. She said she’d let me know when they come out with a pill that worked as well as copaxone. I told her I wouldn’t hold my breathe. We laughed. Then she got more serious and told me about how the meds are improving very rapidly these days and they may even come up with a cure. Which I followed with “Yeah, right after they figure out what the hell it is.” I’m glad that we understand each other’s humor.

However, now I am ready to admit that I did some things while “impaired” that I definitely should not have done. Like throwing parties and flying to Louisiana and DRIVING. Sometimes I am a little reckless with my own health. I just didn’t see an end to what was wrong with me, and I’d be damned if I let someone else tell me what I can and cannot do (including my non-functioning muscles). SO I was reckless. But thankfully I lived through it. I still wonder how I lived through the pain of the flight, there’s nothing like serous air pressure changes while your spine is leaking into your back. THAT WAS FUN!!!! I wonder what the other people on the plane thought of me. I know that I was trying and seriously failing to look like there was nothing wrong. The thought that I would soon be in the airport, where I could lie on the floor and die was the only thing that got me through it. If they wanted to cary my dead carcas off the the hospital then atleast I was close to home. I do remember some strange looks that I was getting from the flight attendants. At least they all realized to leave me alone and not asked if I wanted a drink or a snack. I’m not sure I would have handled that as gracefully as I managed to handle the soldier sitting in my row asking if I wanted his window seat. Poor guy. Well to all of the people, that will never read this, and who have no idea who I am, and those of you that I know and love, I apologize for making you go through this with me. It must have been scary. It may still be scary. But for right now, I am back to normal. I am ready for my life to go back to the event free status it used to have. And I promise to try to stop noting where you can rent a wheelchair and becoming fascinated every time I see someone with a physical impairment. And I will try to keep the jokes to myself. I’ll just save them for the psychologist that I am now on the hunt for.

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Posted by on February 18, 2011 in Life with MS


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