I wonder sometimes if I am taking this so well because I am actually in denial. Would you know if you were in denial? When you are in denial are you saying, “nay that can’t be right” but knowing the whole time that it is? Or is it more like you really don’t see these bad things every happening and when you realize that they could it’s like being pushed off a ledge?
I thought that I was comfortable with my diagnosis. Talking about it is very easy for me. I don’t mind telling random people about it. I could answer any question thrown at me with confidence. I do lots and lots of research.
However, for some reason I failed to find this one morsel of information. A website that I visited, that I got from the NMSS, said that 50% of all people who are diagnosed with RRMS end up having some form of Degenerative MS. (I wish I could find the article to post, but I can’t. Sorry.) That really freaked me out. Now I know that there are more and better drugs now than there used to be. And they are coming up with new and better drugs all the time. Still, you don’t know.
I thought that I was ok with the idea of ending up with an impairment. But when I read that I realized that I was just kidding myself. Surprisingly, my strong and healthy subconscious was still thinking “Nah that can’t happen to me”. I keep trying to console myself with all the medical breakthroughs. I am aware that I have pre-emptively freaked myself out. However, I believe that you can mentally prepare yourself for almost anything. I have imagined myself in a wheelchair, or with a cane, having a speech impairment, or god forbid going blind (like I felt like I was going to this summer). I try to think of what would be the worst thing that could happen, and then imagine it happening and how I would cope. I know you are all saying “that’s so depressing, stop thinking like that, it might not even happen.” But, I don’t like surprises and I like to be prepared for the worst. So now I am building my mental armor. I know, scratch that, I hope that I can handle anything that MS throws my way.
I’m going to try to keep these thoughts in the back of my mind and concentrate on the fact that I am ok now. And hopefully for a significant amount of years to come. I’m sure that this is just something that most people go through after being diagnosed. It just took me a couple of months to get here.